Specific Job Ad and Classic response

I placed an ad on craigslist.org back in July after going thru 3 ridiculous employees in a row. I was very specific because I knew what I wanted. I received dozens of replies. Many from people that just plain loved the ad. But I have one favorite reply that I would like to showcase. Please read the ad first. Following the ad is the golden reply. Frankly, it made my week that I was able to make someone type the reply they did. The reply is best read aloud for full effect. I did absolutely no editting to the reply before pasting it here. Enjoy. I did.

AD July 2008:

We are looking for a person that has the initiative to see the things around them that need to get done when there is lag time. That "Special Someone" needs to accept minor tasks like shredding paper, sweeping, and taking the garbage out without feeling like they are doing grunt work. This person should also not have a fear of simple tools like wire cutters, screwdrivers, electric drills, assorted glues, hammers, tape. This person is expected to keep their text messaging fingers under control until break time or lunch, and smoking is done on a break not whenever you feel like it.

This person MUST LIKE dogs as we work with one, and we alternate taking her out. She makes work a happier place. We need our new employee to be able to learn about simple automotive parts... matching descriptions and part numbers to orders, making sure the customer gets the right items the first time. If you cannot handle minor chaos, please don't contact us. Some days are hectic, if you want pastel blue walls, water fountains, or time to think about what your purpose in life is, this is not the place for you.

Examples of the tasks we need done include but are not limited to:
-tweaking minor pieces of automobile lighting before shipping to customers... repetitive kind of correction process... for example using a box cutter knife to remove a tiny nub of plastic that the manufacturer left behind. It is nothing that anyone we have hired in the past has not been able to learn.
-sweeping the floor, taking out the garbage, shredding paper to use as box filler
- using a razor to remove labels from boxes and applying labels to those same boxes, putting boxes on shelf
- opening up product we receive from our vendors and adding additional packing to keep item from breaking in shipping
-moving items from shelf to shelf during our trial and error process of our current categorization -slowly learning the items that we sell so that someday you are comfortable pulling your very own order
- Packing up a box after an order is pulled - moving a box from the shipping area to the door where it will be picked up (READ: you should not apply if you have any problem with having to lift boxes or items that MAY be 30-40 lbs, even if this is not a constant occurrence, if you cannot or will not lift a box, not not contact me.)
-Take dog out when she's gotta go and everyone else is on the phone or is busy, and no I don't expect you to pick up poo, we have a yard.
-assembling simple items together after being instructed... repetitive, and somewhat boring, but you must be able to make sure it is done correctly nonetheless

This job is not going to get you an award, and you probably won't end up in the paper either. But, you don't have to dress up, in fact we don't really care what you look like, but if you have any strange piercings that may get caught on something and injure yourself, that would be a problem. It would be nice if you knew fluent English. It would be great if you knew you were one of the lucky recipients of common sense. We require that you come to work sober, and while we should not care what you do in your spare time it tends to affect one's work performance regardless of what you believe. We like our employees to have more than one speed, and first gear needs to be functional, not hungover. In other words, mood swings due to withdrawals, or drinking in the bathroom are things that we don't like. Reliable transportation, whatever it is: feet, skateboard, car, etc is needed to get you to work when you say you will be here. While we are flexible, repeated absences because you feel like sleeping in or have excessive personal issues to deal with isn't ideal as well. Think reasonable. If you think 10 court dates a year is reasonable, please stop reading. If you just don't feel like coming in because camping sounds more fun and you don't think you have the common courtesy to give a few days notice of your plans, please don't contact us. We are ridiculously understanding and flexible when the cards are on the table, but really offended when disrespected.

It would really help if you were easy going as we yell at each other, and we don't want you to freak out over that, we yell with love of course. A sense of humor would be great as well... If you want to match us astrologically for some reason, you would be working with 2 Sagittarius', 1 Aries, 1 Gemini and an unknown. I think the dog may be an Gemini maybe, but I am not sure on that.

If you think this ad is stupid but you need a job, don't contact me. If you want a job to get you by until you go off to school in August, don't contact me. If you expect to be paid millions, that also is not possible. If a ringing phone makes you a jittery mess, don't contact me. If it would drive you nuts for you to be doing something and have to stop temporarily to move a car, pack a box real quick, or just switch to a more important task, don't contact me.

This job is really for someone that does not mind random tasks, a relaxed work environment, flexible hours and of course the dog. You can't yell at the dog, she is very sensitive.

Starting pay is $9.00. What we are offering is a $125 bonus after 90 days if you behave yourself. This means: come to work when you say you will be there, you are there when we need you, and you do your job. At your 6 month mark you will receive a $250 bonus as well if you are the stellar employee that you must be... since we wouldn't keep you around 6 months if you were not. Please do not email me if you want your starting pay to be $10.

I am sure you are worth $60 an hour, but this is what we can afford to pay. We have no 401K, or daycare. We have free water and there are usually sodas in the fridge. Occassionally we cover lunch or snacks. We need someone to work 24-40 hours per week, 3-5 days. This is a flexible job while you are learning your tasks. If you want to work four 7 hour days or five 5.5 hour days or whatever, we can discuss your options and see if we can work something out. Basic needs 9 or 10 am to at least 4, maybe 5 pm. Sometimes we work on Saturdays especially while we continue to get our stock organized. You MUST be available on Mondays, and ideally it would be great if you could start by 9 and stay until 5, but we would settle for a 10-4 with the right person.

Retirees, students, stay at home moms, second jobbers; you are all welcome as long as what you have read appeals to you. This job probably won't pay your rent unless you have a roommate. I mention this because we will not tolerate whiners. If you are applying for this job, you know what it pays, so do the math before you reply. It does not make a happy work place when someone complains about how they don't make enough and they are worth more. Of course we have already covered that you are probably worth 10 times what we can pay you.

So, if you are interested...Please email me the following: Your name Your contact phone number The hours and days that you are available to work and how many hours you would ideally WANT to work or are able to work. FOUR SENTENCES OR LESS about yourself. Tell me what you have been doing with your life or what you are doing and why this would work out for you. Tell me how it's great that I don't care what you look like since you are tattooed from head to toe. Tell me about your dog. You probably should include at least 3 adjectives to describe your winning personality or qualifications. If you have been out of work for too long and just need to settle on something to get by, just be honest. It will not be a strike against you at all. Besides, all the secrets you are trying to hide during the hiring process will be on stage for us within 30 days.
Lastly, please also include what day or time of day you would be available to come in if we are interested in hiring you. Our "interview" process is you coming in, meeting the staff and dog, someone showing you a few things we do, you trying a few things, and just a few questions. It is more of a try out. You see if you like us and the environment and we see if we like you, how you handle a screwdriver, and your speed of work. It isn't a marathon, but it isn't the beach either. Please email to: didiwin@gmail.com or you can reply to this message. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Clearly you should know if you fit the bill.

Location: Bensenville
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.


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okay so here is my truly favorite reply, and again I really think you should read it out loud, it will make your day. It made mine. Maybe I hang out with too manyEastern Europeans. Who knows.

Hello!
First I want to say im writing here not about the job You ofering, so if you dont have a time to read not a fluent english letter please delete it now!

Second I want to say, that this job offer was very impresive, first time i read something like this. You must be a writter or just lonely person who doesnt have a friends but want to comunicate :D

This is very nice ad, and I believe if i work in this company i can do all this job with no problem. Im not pierced, not bodybuilder, but just a emmigrant guy, with university education, who immigrate in us with a american dream. But i see in your ad, that you also are looking for a slave, this person, must do 100 different jobs with no mistakes and later get compensation only 9$/h? You must be person with no shame. What a person a you looking for? Stupid to take this 9 in an hour and smart enough to complete all this duties?

You want a slave and a dog walker, packer, mover, cleaner for your restrooms??? for 9 in an our? AND dont ask for 10 ( you f%#$%ing slave). Hei slave you get 9 bucks for hour, you dont need a 401k, this plan is only for me.

Your ad must be put in chicago tribune for sure, and calls like "we american are wanting slaves back again".

You are getting a 9 and can be fired any minute.
You get 9 you can clean up my mess.
You 9 (nine) for take my dog shit to your hand.

Ok enought about you, lets talk about me. Im living here more that 2 years. Come here with no english from europe, so i think i have better skills than most mexican who live here more that me.

Now work for construction company not far from bensenville, but they pay me only 10 and im doing to much job for that price with no posibilities to get more even after 10 years. So im active in looking for new job.

If you pay me 12 for start and 14/hour after one month test I think I can work in your company. For this price you get a guy, who is educated, villing to learn new things everyday, friendly with a persons, no piersing, good moral character. Whatever, if you see my work you will like it, but you must wish to pay me how much im worth.

Im will not wait for your answer all days all nights, but it would be grate you change your minds about people wages and give me a answer.

Have a nice life. Simon
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You can’t make up material like that. As I reread it for at least the 6th time, I am still trying to figure out:
1. Is he twisting his wierd foreigner humor up and testing it out in writing on me?
2. If so, it gets a little insulting
3. Stella really doesn't shit in people's hands, and we don't pick up her poop because we have a grassy area of our own. We fertilize.
4. THEN he seriously thinks that he is in the running for the job? Good God, man.

I found 2 *really* great people from this ad. One lasted 3 weeks and went to work at a hotel for $15 an hour, he is welcome to come back at any time and in this economy it wouldn't surprise me if we saw him again. The second one, well today is his 90th day, so he will be receiving his $125 bonus. He is perfect. Quiet, nice, OCD, reliable. Of course he is probably on the lam or something. His cell phone is from Florida, his license plates are from NJ and his driver's license is IL. Whatever, what do you expect for $9 an hour? Oh, I have since increased his pay as well to $9.50. See life doesn't suck so bad in the land of Swedish Car Parts.