Anniversary gifts

How many times did some pathetic dude stroll into Hallmark and ask, "Can you tell me what the gift is for 8th Anniversary?" as one of my girls snickers behind me and I say, well, traditional is Bronze or Pottery and modern is Linen or Lace. He stares back at me, I stare back at him and hope to god I can just sell him a Precious Moment figurine.

So, it's my fifth (Wood/ Silverware) anniversary next weekend. I'll take the wood, but we have plenty of stolen silverware from various hotels across the U.S. I obviously can't give wood and again with the silverware.

For our first anniversary I got this hideous crappy motion waterfall scene with the lightbulb behind it, which I swear just a few months ago I realized also had sound. It is hanging in the boy's room. If we had a basement it would be there behind the dark wood bar next to the Schlitz sign. To be fair I also got a diamond necklace which I have since had reset into something more "me". My first birthday together I got a cat rug and a cat stapler. You know because I like cats. I like the real ones. I hate stuff with cats on it. For either our 2nd or 3rd anniversary I got a 6 foot tall Jack Skellington doll and stand which resided in the corner of our room until this year when I took it to the office.

I have given gifts such as meeting Billy Idol, a 42" flat screen HDTV, Neil Diamond tickets, Lakers tickets, Bill Engvall tickets...

Evidently I am the hardest person in the world to buy for. That is funny. Buy me a new flippin matress because the one we have sucks. Check my wishpot.com list as well. You've been promising a trip to Universal Studios now for 5 years, make it happen. Golf lessons since you insist on dragging me and my clearance Target golf clubs along. Lucky for you I don't mind drinking and golfing. If it weren't for the booze I wouldn't go. It's not fun. Maid service would be ideal. I don't want to deep clean either bathrooms. Too many boys in this house. How many times have I dreamt of a membership to Costco? I stare at the same Gabe Leonard paintings at the beach at least once a month. This isn't rocket science. Pay attention.

I find stuff to buy myself all the time. Most recently new pillows like the ones I slept on in the last hotel I was in. But the truth is I don't really need anything. The things I want you can't buy in the store.

I want the wet towels hung up. I want the socks either inside out or right side out when in the laundry basket, not in between. I want my 401K money back. I want one day of watching everything on Tv from beginning to end without flipping the channel 98271 times. I want sodas to be finished completely and not left half full. I even want the cat to shake her paws off a few more times before leaving the litter box zone. I want to be carded at the grocery store, or at least I would like to not be called "Ma'am". I would like the left turn arrow on Beach at Talbert to let more than 4 cars thru. I want In and Out Burger to configure their parking lot better, and it would be great if all those massive pot holes on North Ave (in Chicago) would be filled.

But, frankly I will settle for lobster tail dinner.